The journey of my yesterday

Published June 30, 2011 by Charlotte

I am kind of at a loss here.  I’ve been in denial for a while that I actually have FM.  But recent flare ups have erased any hope that this isn’t real.   Yesterday I had a really bad flare up.  So bad that I had to take multiple pain meds just to ease it off enough that laying in bed didn’t hurt.  Below is some information about FM & my comments to take you thru the journey of my yesterday.

The information below is copy/pasted/plagiarized from an article on the Mayo Clinic’s .com page.  You can go here to see it in its entirety.  Mayo Clinic FM page

Women are much more likely to develop fibromyalgia than are men.  That just doesn’t seem fair!  Many people who have fibromyalgia also have tension headaches (pretty much daily), temporomandibular joint (TMJ) disorders (yep got this too), irritable bowel syndrome (this ranks #3 on the list of sucks worst), anxiety and depression.  aka Xanax & Zoloft.  This is how I started my day yesterday.  Headache.  Jaws hurting.  Stomach all kinds of messed up, anxious and completely depressed.

Fibromyalgia is characterized by additional pain when firm pressure is applied to specific areas of your body (and by “firm” they mean “any”), called tender points. Tender point locations include:

  • Back of the head – no ball caps  It actually still hurts today. 
  • Between shoulder blades – where I hold all my stress too ugh.  Just touched them..  yep sore.  But I ditched the bra today so it’s not been so bad.
  • Top of shoulders – 2 words – – bra straps   Yeah… if you have an idea of how to help with this one… I’m taking any and all suggestions.  If anything touches them… it hurts.
  • Front sides of neck – know how tired your neck can get while givin’ your man a b…   I think mine hurts mostly cuz of my big ass head. Lol
  • Upper chest – you would be surprised how often this area comes in contact with stuff – this hurt yesterday even when nothing was touching it.  It is a really weird feeling.
  • Outer elbows – aint nair thing funny about this one  – I got to skip this one yesterday. Whew!
  • Upper hips – I’ve been bitchin’ for 2 days my hips hurt.  I feel like a lil old lady.  Make that 3 days.
  • Sides of hips – and they hurt pretty bad too.  See above.  It’s weird to have your upper/side hips hurt.  I have waddled around for 2 days like a weeble.  *flash forward* I see myself in old age waddling around Erwin Health Care (Nursing Home). 
  • Inner knees – since I have no cartilage in my knees and they’re shot to hell any new pain would probably just be shrugged off.     Yeah my knees hurt like hell all the time….
Fatigue and sleep disturbances
People with fibromyalgia often awaken tired and you all give me shit for the 5 hr energy drinks – now you see why they’z my BF, even though they report sleeping for long periods of time (I donno who you MF’ers are that can sleep but F you!).  Sleep is frequently disrupted by pain, and many patients with fibromyalgia have other sleep disorders, such as restless legs syndrome (sooo bad… omg.)  and sleep apnea (went and had sleep study… I made an A++), that further worsen symptoms.  Most nights  my calves hurt so bad that I have to constantly move my legs around to ease the pain.  It’s gotten so bad that my Hubby won’t go to bed with me b/c it keeps him awake.  I can’t blame him at all.  I mean I snore like a dang bear so at least maybe if I’m laying still he can block out the noise. lol!   This is just an example of how FM changes your life.  It changes small things.  The things that matter….

Doctors don’t know what causes fibromyalgia, but it most likely involves a variety of factors working together. These may include:

  • Genetics.  Because fibromyalgia tends to run in families, there may be certain genetic mutations that may make you more susceptible to developing the disorder.  (Greatttt!)  My youngest sister has some of the same symptoms as I do.  Pretty sure it’s genetic.
  • Infections.Some illnesses appear to trigger or aggravate fibromyalgia. (I have had Sepsis twice. In 2005 & again in 2007 – 2 wks before they dx me with FM.  Coinkeydink?)    I thought for a long time I had arthritis… probably at least since a teenager.  The pain really picked up and has come more often since being hospitalized the 2nd time with Sepsis. 
  • Physical or emotional trauma. Post-traumatic stress disorder has been linked to fibromyalgia. (Physical trauma – 2 months after I was diagnosed with FM I totalled my car.  {Top 5 saddest day of my life.}  And when I was 2yo and again age 4 I was in a car crash and sustained injuries.)   And if I don’t have PTSD I’m missing a good opportunity. 
Complications – ha.  Thats just funny.  There are so many complications that they don’t even talk about.  Like walking when the bottom of your feet hurt like a toothache.  Or wiping your ass when it hurts to reach back that far.  Or leaning over.  Picking up things.  Typing.  Wearing a headset (work).  Going to bed with my Husband.  Not fussing at the dog for walking on your legs while you’re trying to get comfortable in a normally soft bed that feels like “the Princess and the Pea”.  I close my eyes and think about what it would be like to win the lottery.  It doesn’t take long for my mind to wander to the worries of the day and whining to myself about how bad my legs and shoulder hurt.  I toss/turn/curse a couple of times then I find “the spot”.  I close my eyes again and push out everything…. ah, sleep.

Fibromyalgia generally doesn’t lead to other conditions or diseases. But the pain and lack of sleep  associated with fibromyalgia can interfere with your ability to function at home or on the job (In ways you wouldn’t even think of).  The frustration of dealing with an often-misunderstood condition also can result in depression and health-related anxiety.  

Anxiety flares up the Fibro.  The Fibro causes me to miss work.  Missing work means my check is short.  Which causes me anxiety.  Anxiety flares up the Fibro.  The Fibro causes me to miss work.  Missing work means my check is short.  It also means I have to use FMLA and hope I”m not almost out of hours.  Which causes me anxiety.  Anxiety flares up Fibro……  How do I make it stop?  I refuse to learn to just “deal” with it.  It is a nuisance.  It makes me angry & sad.  It makes it hard on my marriage & my sanity.  I have to constantly worry about how to pay my bills & if I”ll get fired from my job.  And no… I don’t expect them to be understanding.  I just hope they will.  

I’ve also taken the stance and I will not back down! that I will absolutely not make myself endure trying any more new medication.  My body has a mind of its own when I throw a new chemical in it.   I’ve had a couple really bad experiences.  I don’t have the PTO, FMLA, patience or money to start anything new.  If you can find a way around all those… please leave a comment. 

There are nights I literally dread going to bed so much that I make myself stay awake.  There are also nights/days that I sleep like I haven’t slept in 3 days.   (although 41 hours is the longest I’ve ever been able to stay awake.  And that wasn’t “unaided” if you know what I mean. Lol)

Ok so.. now that I’ve raved/ranted/made an ass of myself I do really have a request for anybody who reads this.   Be 1% more empathetic to your family & friends than you are now.  It will take some effort / time.  But do it for me… as a favor. 

“The journey of my yesterday, will take you to a place of pain, there’s no escape there’s no break, nothing but my disdain.”    C.Kuhtz 06/29/11 

This is how i feel



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